I'm no longer the girl who falls from grace

I left her at the alter

She was too afraid
she loved a man but couldn't tell him
her tongue had always felt too heavy
so she chose silence instead
and watched him love another

her back broke with reasons
why she could never sprout
wings that'd been overdue

since '93 she saw the world through
eyes shaded in lavender hues
not quite rose, not enough green light
a hint of optimism with a douse of sadness
she hated being beautifully sad
though it made her interesting

she wanted things she didn't know how to have
at times helpless, oft times lazy
she sat on the edge of beds covered in silk
touching skin softened by oils and smelling of sandalwood
feet pinched in pointed leather
that kissed the earth in hues of red
and cried

she wanted so very much

she made love to herself with his name on her lips
and she called out for God until she decided
God was disappointed in her too
the world was too much for her
she was destined to be a pretty suicide story
she was only in it for the love

I had to leave her at the alter
underneath her I'd been struggling to breathe
I couldn't be a woman overcome with being a woman
overcome with living
I couldn't die with her
so I killed her as softly as I could

I am no longer the girl who falls from grace
Though I loved her
I love her still

- zauni tanil

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