You aren't ready. 
And maybe that's okay. 

Ajolla told me sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to give them time to be alone. "Sometimes, you have to leave them to themselves." I've always been too afraid to do this, because ... well, it felt good to be needed by you. Those nights you'd call me, text me, come running to my door ... those moments where you rested your head in my lap and showed me your soul ... the way you felt safe with me ... it made me feel important. It made me feel connected to you. I was scared of giving that up. I was scared that if I left you to yourself, if I allowed you time to navigate your troubles alone, you would forget about me. 

I know it sounds silly. You couldn't forget about me even if you tried. But I was scared you'd stop reaching out for me. I was scared that in my distance instead of bridging the gap you'd simply find another place to feel safe. I just didn't want you to forget about me. I didn't want us to stop being us.

But I understand you're hurting. You're hurting from things that have nothing to do with me; from moments you still have trouble admitting. I get there are some things you need to address. There are some scars you need to heal. I know there are decisions you must make, and maybe right now everything is a little too loud. 

You're still a little too hurt, too selfish, too chaotic to show up for love right now.

Mom told me you can't heal everyone. "You can't love the negative behavior out of someone." She was right. As much as I care for you, as much as I want to - I can't fix it all for you. You have to do the work. You have to be ready. You have to choose love on purpose. And then you have to show up for it. 

Please understand I'm not walking away from you. Rather, I'm giving you back to yourself. Maybe once everything clears up your map will lead you back to me. I hope for that. But I think you have some work to do, and me floating in and out only brings more confusion. So darling, find your way back to yourself. Take your time to understand what you need, what you want, and who you truly are. If you need me I'm a call away, always. But for now I've got to cut off your access to my heart. 


I hope you heal. I truly do. And maybe, just maybe, we'll see each other sooner than we think.

Until then,

z.



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