maybe it's too early to write these words. after all, november still marches on. can I truly reflect on a month before it's done? after all, much can change in a week. much can change in a day.

I feel as if I'm breaking down. not so much mentally, but physically. I'm not quite used to it. While irksome, I've become quite adept at navigating mental battles, but physical? Well I'm not too sure about that.

It is this strange feeling of everything breaking down around me. It's akin to the moment in Inception when the dreamer realizes they're dreaming and the whole landscape begins to collapse. It truly feels as if a multitude of things are deteriorating around me. And then it feels as if my body is almost decaying. Maybe I'm doing a rubbish job at explaining, but it's all just very strange. And the most bizarre bit is the sort of detachment I have to it all. It's almost as if I'm watching it all happen from the outside; as if it's happening to someone else. I almost feel like an intruder, tip-toeing around someone else's life, someone else's home, someone else's job.

Who am I and where will I be when this dream collapses? 

A part of me feels foolish and I'm not quite sure why. Another part of me feels lonely and I'm not quite sure why. A final part of me feels disconnected and I'm not quite sure why. Everything tied together just feels as if I'm waiting.

And when I feel like I'm waiting I become angry. No, not angry, enraged. I feel enraged. And maybe that's why I feel so disconnected because I know if I truly wake up, if I really allow myself to turn on what I'm feeling it will be a source of rage that I do not want to revisit. I feel as if I have worked so hard to move past that anger, that frustration, that bitterness, that I would rather tap out than revisit it once more.

But alas, I am angry. And tears come as I admit my anger and I shake with a fury that is unbecoming. What would come of this? What would come of unleashing this madness? Truly, nothing. It will do nothing but ruin me, and in turn ruin all that I touch. But it is physically eating me alive. It's energy works persistently at destroying all around me. I cannot help but wonder ...

who wins this war?

z.

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