God told me to love you
be careful, he said
for this is my son
I need to know, he asked
will he be safe here?


I thought about it
I thought about us
how I cared for you so
how I endured the hunt
I thought of our history
and I came to the realization
to the discovery
of my anger

you made me so angry
you made me pay the price for your sins
you loved me and I loved you
but you preferred to leave me lonely

because you never chose me
not once
maybe for a moment
in a moment
of weakness
of lust
of hope, even
but never really, fully
never with a conscious
never with any grit

I didn't understand
why you never chose to be here
and did you not care?
did you not care
what it meant to me
felt to me 
to be picked up and examined
turned over in your palm
prodded and plucked
squeezed and held, only to be
tossed carelessly back in the bin?

did you ever consider what it felt like
to be praised endlessly
to be built up into some
beautiful fantasy capable of keeping
you warm at night but was never
really worth choosing?

I want you ...
you'd breathe to me
I want .....
but it never really mattered
because even if you wanted to
you still chose not to
hello .... goodbye
hello .... goodbye
hello .... goodbye
hello ...
.... goodbye
did you ever think how I felt?

I couldn't make you be here
not like she could
maybe she knew how to twist your strings
wiggle you around to her liking
maybe she knew which buttons when pressed
would call you straight home to her
maybe she didn't care about things like pride
or dignity or respect or unconditional
maybe she was willing to play dirty to keep you there

maybe you liked dirty

because I had given you all I could for what we were
I'd pushed boundaries as far as my decency would allow

I remember you'd told me one day -
"you're a woman who knows her worth"
standing in the kitchen, rolling your weed
I had wanted to shatter you with knives
wanted to rip your smugness to shreds
poke holes in your arrogance
how dare you, I'd thought
how dare you claim to know me
how dare you claim to compliment
the same worthiness you disdain
go home, I'd wanted to shout
go home to your broken woman

it was always my fault for letting you get too close
for thinking this time
and this time
and this time
and this time
and that time
would be the time you chose to stay

how I'd get used to not having you
only to have you come around once more
preaching fables you weren't sure you believed in
but God had they felt nice to say
to share
with someone
out-loud

but see, you never really chose to be here
it took me telling you I was leaving for you to say you love me
and even then you still didn't
choose, that is
even then you still didn't choose to be here

so I answered God
I told him I was angry
your son, I'd said, makes me angry
your son, I'd told him, hurts me
your son, I'd cried, shuns me

but he is your son, I'd said
and so I will love him
not simply as a woman does
nor as nurturing as a wife does
nor as forgiving as a mistress
but I will love him as you do


and he will always be safe here


z.




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