November 02, 2018

Novemeber Letter





I wasn't ready to hurt like this. 

I didn't think my heart was set up to be hurt by things like this. always thought I had thicker skin, a tough grit. I thought I was capable of taking uncomfortable truths and swallowing them without burden. of being okay with the disappointment of manifestations that never quite manifested rather turned into an infestation of a man who let me down. Ntozake rings in my ear ' you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe....' I thought i understood that uncomfortable truths are exactly that, uncomfortable, and by now I'd learned how to absorb disappointment in a way that left no scars. I had thought I'd known what pain would feel like when it is threaded together with diminished hope and hard worn pride and avoidance that ultimately turns to neglect. But this? I wasn't ready to hurt like this.

I know that God has blessed me with this pain. There is something resting in this disappointment that is fundamental to my movement forward. I understand that. It is why I am not bothered too much by it.

The truth is I don't hurt anymore. I eat lunch alone at this one restaurant by my house. It's a small little shop where they serve giant cuts of country friend steak with an entire bowl of gravy. The owner said he was looking to open another location soon. He's always very kind. The sweet tea is just a little too sweet, but it's the closet I've found to home out here on the west coast. I don't really like coffee anymore. I still drink it, but mostly it just makes me sad. I guess it's more habit than anything. It doesn't taste how it used to. Do tastebuds change after a certain age? Which reminds me, I found a gray hair. Well, it's more a metallic silver. I thought it was odd. I mean, who knew that would happen so soon.

I carry this book Sutton around with me most places. I don't ever actually read it, but it's nice to have a book just in case I guess. Most of my days are spent gazing out windows. Or looking over at people and wondering what their lives are like. I don't talk much.

My car is making a funny noise and I'll have to take it in soon. My nails are bit too long and I'm starting not to like them anymore. The air is getting colder and I'm trying not to think about 2016. But if I did I'd tell you it was a beautiful winter. The air was some of the best air I've breathed.

The truth is I'm very surprised life has brought me here. But I'm humbled. Everything I thought I wanted before no longer applies. I've realized while life has been trying to propel me forward I've been clutching so desperately to the past. I kept wanting to make the past happen again, to revitalize it, and make it the present once more. I fought so hard against progression I made my own soul miserable. I thought I could recapture the past, bundle it up, tweak it to make it better, and charge forward into my future. I was wrong. I was so very, so utterly wrong. The truth was I had to say goodbye to the past. I had to give it up. I had to realize it was over, done, ended, and it wasn't coming back. I had to grieve its ending and then celebrate its competition. And I had to release the want, the desire, and the hope I carried for everything attached to that cycle. I couldn't move forward until I did. And I understand now that's why I've been stagnant this past year. I understand now why everything kept getting blocked, why I couldn't move onwards. I had to realize that chapter of my life that I so purely and intensely loved was over. And it wasn't coming back. And it hurt. I wasn't ready for it to hurt like that.

I loved that period of my life. I loved that chapter. I was brave, powerful, charming, alluring, passionate, fiery, hopeful, inspired, motivated. I was surrounded by friends, associates with similar mindsets, and intimate connections. My days were spontaneous, adventurous, momentous, and filled with so much creativity, passion, and stimulating discussion. There were sad moments, of course, but it was a hell of a chapter. And looking back at times I almost can't believe I lived it. This past year I've been trying so hard to reignite some semblance of that chapter of my life to no avail. I wanted it back. I wanted it back with everything in me. And I couldn't get it. It just wasn't possible. My efforts have left me stagnant, disappointed, hopeless, and confused. I wanted so many things so passionately. And having to accept that those moments, those opportunities, those experiences, those connections, those relationships, those realities are now finished and confined to the past has been a bereavement. To fully comprehend that is no longer my reality has been tough. And I have given myself time to grieve it. And time to celebrate its competition. Because I am so very thankful to have lived it. I am so very honored and humbled to have been blessed with such a beautiful, invigorating reality for however long it was.


I understand something new is now here. As I move forward away from that previous reality into my new one I fully comprehend that I am receiving something very different than what I had before, but also something better and something fully aligned with exactly what I have asked for and what I desire. And while at times my mind drifts back to that old reality, I am excited for the new. I intend on experience it fully without comparison.


Am I at peace? Am I fully realized? Am I receiving? 
well, truthfully I'm unsure. But I can say after nearly 12 months of stagnation I am finally moving.
honestly that in itself is blessing enough.
we'll see what happens next.

z.




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