Dear God

I just ... don't know. I know, but I just don't know too. Things are so heavy. It's almost as if everything I touch and everything I interact with burns to an extreme. I'm left scarred by almost everything. And maybe it's because I'm too sensitive. Maybe it's because I feel too much. Maybe it's because my emotions boil right under my skin and I was never any good at suppressing

I'm so confused. I don't know why things are happening the way they are, I don't know why this path has presented itself underneath my feet, and I have no clue how it will all come together. And through it all I am scared. I am scared like a terrified child. The fear I carry is immense. And I have not been a scary person; never quite one to be afraid of life. But I am scared of all these things. All that I touch. All that I see. All that is becoming. It frightens me to my core. It makes me anxious. It's making me sick. It's made me weaker. It's making me shake. I have no clue why you're doing this. A part of me wants to scream out in unfairness. Another part of me wants to tug on everyone's shoulder and exclaim how cruel it all is. And yet another part of me wants to toss glass to wall, curl up in a ball and cry to the heavens.

But I trust you. 

My fear is shaky but my faith is not. Not right now, at least. I have no idea why this is all happening but I have faith it is guided by your hand so I shall not worry. I have faith that all these things will combine and lead me toward my destiny; toward all I desire and to a life even more abundant, purposeful, loving, and fulfilled than I have even dreamed. I trust in you. I may not see how or understand why, but I know you love me. And so I trust you that although I may not fully comprehend, I realize you are at work for my betterment. You have taken the wheel. But if we're being fully honest, Lord I am still struggling with some things. So I will leave them here and I will leave them in your hands I will pray that you ease them. I will pray you shed light and understanding in areas I am left dark and woefully ignorant.

Lord I love him so much it cripples me at times. It literally overwhelms me to the point I'm not sure what to do. I let it eat at my center, disrupt my rhythm, and I allow it to feed the worst parts of my impatience. I understand a love like that is pure and very special. And when something special enters this realm dark forces try to penetrate it. So Lord I just ask that you allow this love to be protected. Let it fill me and him too with a sense of light and warmth, and please shun all that is evil, hesitant, doubtful, venomous, and untrue to be cleansed from it. I pray for love that lifts us.

Lord I ask that you remove this fear from my heart, from my mind, from my soul, and from my body. Instead I pray that you cleanse a space for courage and calmness to eternally grow. I pray for an unwavering sense of bravery and peace and calm in the face of each day.

And Lord, I know this may sound odd, but I pray for warmth. And not just any warmth, but the kind of warmth that comes from someone choosing to be in your everyday life. I pray for the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual warmth that comes from a continuous loving, intimate presence.

I pray for fullness in my heart.

I pray for resilience, because my ability to bounce back day after day has been wavering at a pace which scares me. I want to be able to handle life's curves better. I wish to be able to master the tides in a way that is calm and full.

And Lord I pray for comfort. And I know, with unwavering faith, you will send me the exact type of comfort I need. But I need a safe space. I need a comfortable safe space Lord. Please. My soul desires it so.

I put all my trust in you Lord. 

Amen.
z.


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